I can do anything, I just can’t do everything.

Yesterday was probably my last long run though my neighborhood for the rest of 2014. I’m struggling to let that sink in. Summer is my time to run. I NEED to get out and fill my lungs and legs with the oh-so-short season that is SUMMER in Wisconsin. I’m afraid that this year, I’m going to miss summer altogether. I have my last races of the season this coming weekend. Yes, races. Two of them. 10K on Saturday night, May 24 and half marathon Sunday morning, May 25. 19.3 miles in roughly 13 hours. I like these kind of challenges; challenges where all I have to do is talk myself into not giving up. Where all that I’m concerned about is getting to that next mile marker. Just one mile at a time….mind over mileage…..

I’m not sure what to expect with this cancer challenge.

Recently, my life has been all about the next goal…the next challenge. I’m 43 and I can’t sit around thinking that someday I’ll do this or that. Someday has to be now. My cancer is in the middle of my someday. How can I plan when things like cancer so rudely interrupt my living??

I’ve kept a pretty brave face so far, but let’s face it, I am afraid.

I’m afraid of all the things that I can’t do….that I won’t be able to do. Don’t tell me no, because then I’ll most certainly find a way to make it happen. The doctor will have a list of things that I cannot do. I don’t want to focus on those things, but I will have to. I’m going to be limited by something other than just my willpower.

This will be a problem for me. I know that I’m going to need help. I don’t regularly ask for help, I offer it. I have used the analogy of my house completely engulfed in flames, and I’m putting out the fire with Dixie cups of water. “No thanks, I’m in control, I have got this problem handled.” Well, clearly I don’t. I will have to overcome the challenge of needing assistance. I hope to do that in a graceful manner and accept the help that those around me will offer. I hope to not be bitter or angry. I hope to be gracious. Maybe that’s my new challenge: to accept the offers to help me during this time.

So back to my running…my main stress outlet will be on the shelf for a few months. I will need a new challenge; a new means of channeling my mental need to run and exercise. I gave this some thought yesterday. By the time my surgery arrives, I will have run just over 200 miles this year. (That’s actually rather low. I should be closer to 350 miles. I guess I’ve been busy.) My goal for the remainder of the year is to walk 250 miles. No racing. No pacing. No stopwatch to monitor my speed. Just the distance. 

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I plan on enjoying as many miles as I can.