Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid. – Rita Rudner

Part of my journey through this whole breast cancer crap has involved me reading about the experiences of other woman who have been through this as well. Today I read a blog post from a woman who documented her transition from mastectomy to expanders to implants. She said all the same things that I’m going through. It’s good to know I’m not alone.

The woman who wrote the blog post included her pre-mastectomy, post-mastectomy with expanders and post-implant surgery pictures (NO, I’m not sharing pictures of me, so you might as well just get that idea out of your head. No, don’t ask for pictures either. It ain’t happening.) Her pictures document her body before mastectomy, with fully inflated expanders and then post implants. I gotta say, if I wasn’t already anxious to get my implants, I am now. Back to a normal state again. Her new breasts look gorgeous. Seriously, just like young, perky, normal breasts only without nipples. As my husband says, “A face without a nose.” Yup, that’s pretty much what they look like.

As I’ve said before, during the surgery to remove my breast tissue, expanders were inserted and inflated with 250 ccs of saline. I came out of surgery as a small B cup. The expanders are making a pocket for my implants. I know I’ve discussed how the process works; they’re rigid balloons that were placed under my pectoral muscle and periodically get inflated with 50-100 ccs of saline to stretch the muscle and skin. They are uncomfortable, they have edges and they’re ugly. My muscles hurt and I struggle to find a comfortable sleeping position….Every. Single. Night. It’s rough. My breathing is compromised because these things are just not very forgiving. They push back on my lungs and forward on my everything else. I have little to no feeling in the center 75% of my breast, as the nerve endings are still regenerating, to whatever extent they will eventually come back. I bump into things and don’t know I’ve hit them. They don’t jiggle. They don’t move AT ALL. What I’m currently hauling around on my chest is bigger than my normal size and it’s not helping my feelings of being overweight. The expanders are made bigger than my implants so they create a pocket. When I was inflated last week, I nearly cried on my drive home. They just seem too big and completely obnoxious. For the purpose of clarity, I’m currently filled with 500 ccs of saline. This amount is equivalent to just over 2 cups of liquid in each breast. The current plan is to go to 550 ccs in the expanders and insert 450 cc implants. I’m concerned that this may be bigger than I want. I may just put my foot down and say I’m done expanding, and go with something a little smaller. I still need to discuss this with my plastic surgeon.

I’m trying to not complain, but this is just my day to day experience.

My surgery to get the implants is scheduled for November 13. I have to wait at least a month after my last chemo treatment (the soonest I’d be eligible for surgery would be the very end of September) and then we’re headed on vacation shortly thereafter. I don’t want to deal with any possible complications that might compromise this vacation, so I’ve decided to wait until after the trip. Mid-November was the soonest this could be done. New boobies just in time for the holidays!!

My next decision to make is whether or not to have nipples created. They’d be non-functional, I wouldn’t really feel anything and they’d be eternally erect. They’d be small, but will finish out the “normalcy” transition. I can also decide to just have 3-dimensial tattooing done where the nipple and surrounding aerola are just tattooed and look like a nipple. It would be flat with a 3D appearance. This idea simply amazes me. I’ve seen it online in my research, and the tattoo artists that can do this are just so talented. The advantage here is that I won’t look cold all the time when I’m wearing a thin or no bra. Perhaps this is the route to take.

Maybe I’ll just skip all of this and have criss-crossed, band-aids tattooed on instead of nipples….or buttons….or something else (SKULLS!!)? All the options in the world are available to me. So many decisions to make.

My breasts have always been an integral part to who I am, but I didn’t even hesitate to have them both removed when I was diagnosed. And it’s not that I really had much of a choice. It was either just remove the right one that contained the cancer, or get them both removed and replaced with a matching set and greatly decrease the possibility of ever being told again that I have breast cancer. It seemed to be an easy decision at the time. I didn’t know how much I’d miss them. I’m not going to say it’s no big deal, because it really is. I miss my original equipment. And even though they had certainly been affected by time and gravity, they were mine.

I would give just about anything to get back to the time before I was diagnosed with cancer.