I finally did it. I cut off all of my hair. It’s never been
a matter of winning, it’s been a matter of how long I can last before I lose. It
was the most traumatic day I’ve had since my surgery. Before I address the
whole hair issue though, I suppose an update on the events of the last few
weeks is in order.
It’s been nearly three weeks since my first chemo and the
reality is that so far, it has been way easier than I had expected. I will have
a total of four treatments, three weeks apart. My first one was on June 26,
number two is this week, July 17 and if all goes as planned, the following will
be on August 7 and 28. My nurse’s first attempt at inserting my IV resulted in
my vein puffing up and giving me a sizable bruise. I had to point out to the
nurse that my arm is covered in juicy veins and maybe she should select one
that is already bulging. Needle-dependent drug addicts would love to have my
veins. After the trauma of her first attempt, she finally inserted the IV into
the pit of my elbow…is there any other way to explain it? We have an arm pit,
why not an elbow pit? It’s where all of my blood draws have been so why not go
to the easy vein? Before I began the chemo, she gave me some anti-nausea pills.
I was told to drink 2 liters of liquid (water and Gatorade are best) each day
for the next 3 because the chemo drugs they were giving me get hung up in the
kidneys and bladder. They needed to be flushed regularly. No problem here…I’m a
drinking machine. In the time I sat there, I drank 40 oz of Gatorade and 24 oz
of water. I peed 4 times.
I sat there for nearly 3 hours with poison being pumped into
my body. I expected to feel weird about it, but it felt like a saline IV. No
big deal. I kept myself busy by watching Netflix. What a wonderful
invention…and even more wonderful that it’s available on my phone. God bless
technology.
I enjoyed the calm and quiet time I had to myself. My friend
(and my husband’s cousin’s wife) Heather went through this same process over 2
years ago. She told me that she looked forward to chemo day. She’d have lunch
with a girlfriend and then sit quietly and relax during treatment. She’s a
smart lady and absolutely right. The opportunity for a mom to just sit for any
length of time is a blessing….so in this, I’ve found something good: guilt-free
time for me.
I went home and felt fine. I’m not exactly sure what I
expected to feel….nausea? My hair spontaneously falling out? My insides being
zapped? None of that happened. I felt normal. I went home and ate dinner. I ate
a lot of dinner. I realized that night that I had a voracious appetite. I
expected the opposite. Don’t all cancer patients lose their appetite and
subsequently lose weight? Not this cancer patient. No….I have gained weight.
Leave it to me to do the opposite of what’s expected, and I didn’t even do it
on purpose this time. In case you’re wondering, the “Cancer Diet” is not a
sure-thing. So far, it’s failed for me. I’m going to have to lose weight the
old-fashioned way…..diet and exercise. Drat. I asked my doctor about this and
she reminded me that I’m also taking steroids the day before, of and after my
chemo, and apparently, steroids have a
tendency to increase the appetite. Lucky me….
Three days after my chemo treatment I felt a little “off”. I
was really tired and probably slept over 10 hours that day. I was also running
a low fever. At least, I thought it was low. By their standards, anything over
100.5 is cause for concern. I was at 100.4 and decided that was close enough
for me to make a call. My oncologist just happened to be on-call that day and
told me to watch my temp. If it kept increasing, I needed to go to the
hospital. She also wanted me to come in the next day for a blood draw to check
my white blood cell count. Fortunately for me, my temp began to drop shortly
after that phone call (isn’t that always the way?) and I felt better. Perhaps
my body just thought it was time to attack this foreign presence of the chemo?
I don’t know, but I do hope it doesn’t happen again after my next treatment. If
it does, I won’t be as panicked as I was the first time. It’s just my reaction
and everyone reacts differently.
I went in for a blood draw the next morning and my results
were completely normal. It was the first time in weeks that I actually had
something that was “normal”.
I was really hoping to dodge the hair loss bullet, but
sadly, no such luck. It began to fall out in noticeable numbers about 10 days
after my first treatment. By day 14, I was losing fistfuls and because it was
so long, I had a matted mess and essentially three huge dreadlocks in my hair.
I couldn’t even get a comb through it after my shower. I threw it up into a
clip on the top of my head and resigned to the fact that this would be my last
day with long hair for a few years.
That evening, I had another reminder of how lucky I am. Two
of my dearest friends in the world dropped everything, came over to my house
and had me cut off their hair and then they cut mine. My husband and my friends
Julio and Jim made me laugh and cry as we cut off the one thing that simultaneously
gave me joy and heartache. It was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done. I
was past that hurdle. The hair was gone and it’s all caught on video. Go big,
or go home….might as well capture the entire event for all to see.
I am feeling better about the hair loss than I thought I
would, but still, I feel as though I’m standing completely naked in the most
public of places. This is WAY outside of my comfort zone. I have ALWAYS had
long hair. It’s my cloak. It’s my protection. It’s my super power. And now, it’s
gone. I’ve ordered a wig that resembles my real hair. I’ve been told that it’s
good to have options. I’m sure there will be more than one occasion where I’ll
be glad to have it.
In addition to the wig, I’m going to totally rock other
head-covering options. I’ve found a bunch of different designs with skulls,
camo designs and I even found one with flames on it. I’m also going to make a
Badger themed one for UW Football games. I can’t show up without proper Badger
gear! A Packer do-rag is also on the list. (Superstitions reign supreme during
the football season. Gotta have the right attire or the team won’t play their
best! It’s only weird if it doesn’t work, right?) I can wear these do-rags
after this madness is done, when I go for a run. I’m doing my best to find the
upside and a reason to smile about all of this. The hats, scarves and do-rags
are just another accessory and I’m going to make the most of it.
And in case you’re wondering, the do-rag du jour is pink
camo which my daughter bought for me, and it looks awesome.
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